decisions.

friends.

i would appreciate your prayers about upcoming decisions that i am going to have to make. they are not life and death decisions but sometimes i feel like they are. sometimes i fear making the wrong decision and then living in regret. arrg. i hate that about myself. i know i should make no decision based on fear but sometimes i can't get that fear out of my head and am still forced to make a decision. i always feel like i will be missing out on something, someone, some experience, some new way that God would speak to me, some....i don't know something that could be amazing.

the decision comes down to really two options unless God brings some third option along which i think will confuse me even more.

the options...

the school of photography with YWAM (youth with a mission).

one of my deep desires is taking photos so the SOP would be great. it would be amazing. it is in kona, hawaii for three months of just learning and creating.
we are created in His image and since our God is a creative God then we too are creative. a large part of this school is just unleashing that creativity and using it for His glory and purposes.

university of anchorage alaska.

i have a deep desire to own a bed and breakfast and also to be a teacher some day. i have been taking a literature class this summer and it has made me realize how much i would love to teach highschool someday and specifically literature. i would be getting a degree in culinary arts and in literature...so that i could learn how to be a cook for my b&b and also teach someday.

friends. i would love any thoughts or prayers sent my way. i would appreciate if you did have... any advice that it would be lathered in prayer. any encouragement that it would be wrapped in his love. any thoughts that they would be well thought out.

if i didn't explain it well enough you can email me: reneegaylard@gmail.com

"the body is a unit,though it is made up of many parts; and though all its parts are many, they form one body." "if they were all one part, where would the body be?"
1st corinthians 12

favorite season transition

humility

seasons of change

i know that i am going to sound completely ridiculous to all of you especially considering my last blog but know that i am going through a season of change and this season of change has not been easy by any stretch of the imagination. the process has been painful as the leaves that i love are slowly separating from my tree and falling onto the ground...as the winter brings chills to my branches but I know that HE is always good and faithful and I will rest in His never ending love and never ending provision.

i have full heartedly decided not to go back to Australia. WHAT?? you might be thinking....didn't God tell you to go??? didn't God give you peace about going and sticking to what He told you before??? how can at one point God say GO and now He is saying STAY???

i don't have all the exact words to tell each one of you how i came to this decision. i don't know how to explain how at one point i can have peace about going and the next moment not having peace but i know that right now at this moment the decision to stay has given me complete peace and joy.

i know many of you are probably doubting that God spoke to me before or doubting that He is speaking to me now but i know with all of my heart that He does speak to me. He speaks to me completely differently than each one of you and He takes me through these crazy pathways in order for me to clearly hear his voice. my friend kris reminded me that He speaks to my heart, He knows my personal and unique language and he created me to hear him in very specific ways...and... I HAVE HEARD!

i hate that means that i won't be seeing a lot of you that i had been planning on for quite a while now. i hate that i have probably disappointed you...my heart hurts that i will not be returning but my heart would also have hurt when if had gone and should of stayed.

God spoke to Abraham to sacrifice his son Isaac. God also spoke to Abraham not to sacrifice his son Isaac. it is about the process and the journey more so than the location or the action of following through. it is all about seeking his will for us each day.

i am sorry to each one of you that have banked on me going. i love you all so much. thank you for being apart of this process with me and praying for me, helping provide for me and encouraging me.

leaving this month

i can't believe it is almost time for me to depart this most beautiful state. time has been going by so fast and i can't believe this is the month i will be leaving.

i don't know if some of you know but i was having problems with getting my visa which has been a big challenge for me. immigration will randomly select people to get a medical backrounds and i was one of them that was selected which delays my visa and costs me money that i don't have. i have a friend who applied the same day and she has already received her visa which is a little disheartening. since hearing that she had received hers and i haven't received mine, i was sure i wasn't going to get my visa. i started planning other options without trusting God but relying on what i know to be true.

i was starting to get excited about these other plans and then i was reminded by my other family to stay strong in what God has called me to do. He has called me back and He will provide! I emailed the base where i will be going and they said from the time they receive my health information it will be 2-3 weeks...which means that i would most likely get my visa the day before i am scheduled to leave. man!! that really makes it so i have to rely on God and not myself.

"Look to the Lord and HIS STRENGTH; seek His face always."
ps 105:4

pray with me please that God would provide me with my visa and that all my finances will come together.

coffee and other spiritual things...

warning: this one is long!

so i am beginning to realize more and more my need for other people which i thought was going to be a miserable realization but i have begun to realize the beauty of it.
i recently decided to not spend money at all for a week and rely on God for my needs instead of taking matters into my own hands, what a great week so far. i have begun not only to trust God with my needs but also give away of my stuff as well, what a refining process. the moment i think i don't want to give "my" stuff away i realize that i need to give it away. i was reading a thomas merton quote that i had written down and boy does it some up our material things..."the more you squeeze the less you have." how true the more i hold on to my stuff the less it seems i have.
i was in Australia not to long ago as most of you know and while i was there i fell into a materialistic manner in which i looked to "things" to make me happy. i started to buy stuff that i didn't need and gently God would tell me no renee i don't want you to buy that, no renee you don't need that, renee why are you buying that don't you believe I can satisfy your every need!! i ignored that voice and bought what i wanted to make me feel better. thomas merton explains it better... "And I wind experiences around myself and cover myself with pleasures and glory like bandages in order to make myself perceptible to myself and to the world, as if I were an invisible body that could only become visible when something visible covered its surface. But there is no substance under the things with which I am clothed. I am hollow, and my structure of pleasures and ambitions has no foundation. I am objectified in them. But they are all destined by their very contingency to be destroyed. And when they are gone there will be nothing left of me but my own nakedness and emptiness and hollowness, to tell me that I am my own mistake"

the funny thing is, all my clothes that i had boughten to make me feel better were all stolen in the last couple of days while in Australia. my sister and i were on the beach and i just happen to put all of my new clothes from Australia into one bag and left it in our camper van. my sister (not blaming anyone) left the van unlocked and guess which bag got stolen out of all the 6 bags that were in there (my friend had me drive her 2 bags down to Australia-to explain the excess) my bag of new clothes was stolen. i knew it was God...not in a mean way but i loving way and i look back and remember how i should have listened to God in the first place. HE wanted to be my provider, HE was the one who wanted to make me happy, and HE wanted me to reap the joy of obedience.

okay...

all that to say i am not buying anything lately and getting rid of my "excess" stuff because i want God to show me how he provides and how little i really need.

an actual need...

i recently did calculations on how much money i would need for a year in Australia and how much money i will have if i work almost every day and the two don't add up. God is breaking me of my pride thinking that i can do this alone. the thing is I really can't. i need others.

i need you. (whoever is reading this)

i need people not to be a leaf on my tree but a strong root to go along in my trials with me.


if any of you want to help out at all send me an email and i will tell you how you can help. reneegaylard@gmail.com also, i don't want this to be a one sided relationship i want to know how i can help you out to. let me know how i can be a root in your life as well.


the reason i titled this coffee and other spiritual things....
i almost forgot!!!!
i was praying last night about something silly but i know my God cares about the little things so i prayed and asked God for this silly thing. i really wanted a travel coffee mug but knowing that i am not spending money this week, i asked God about it. i asked God for a coffee mug but not just any coffee mug, one without a handle on it. i hate the handle ones.
so i was at work today and i was a little frustrated because my dad wouldn't let me use his mug this morning which eventually i got over but still little upset that i didn't have one until.... my sister comes by and brings me coffee, some lunch, and a present. my sisters are great but it is definitely not every day that they bring me gifts to work!!!! i open the gift and what was it???? a travel coffee mug WITH NO HANDLE!!!!

God does want to provide for me!!! even the little things!!!!

art night...

music.

art.

photography.

candles.

jewelry.

art.

dim lighting.

paintings.

art.

good people.

scarfs.

handmade crafts.

art.

coffee. dessert.

good times.

i am going back to australia and that means

having to raise support for as long as i am there.

as of right now, i am doing a one year staff internship which means...

having enough funds for food, lodging, and such for at least

12 months maybe longer.

aside from working as much as possible i am

trying to find creative ways to raise support and what

better way to do that than to utilize my artistic friends

to help me out.

if you are artistic, if you have photos, paintings, drawings,

knitting,pottery-making,jewelry making skills

and would want to donate it for my art night than

please send an email my way.

reneegaylard@gmail.com

if you are curious with where i will be doing my one

year staff internship than take a look at http://www.reeftooutback.com/

the decision to go back...

before i left australia, God told me that i was going to be coming back. i get home to alaska and everything is great. i get to wear layers, i have the beautiful mountains, i have my beautiful family, i don't sweat every second of the day, and the best part...i have a job that actually pays me money.

i kind of liked the idea of not having to trust God for my finances and some how began to tell myself that when God told me to go back to australia he didn't really mean it. after about 2 months of being home i began to feel spiritually dry, giving into sin easily, becoming somewhat materialistic, and feeling a bit complacent with my walk with Christ.
after being home for a little while, i got a job offer i couldn't pass up. it involved everything i love, outdoors, working at a beautiful lodge, good friends, alaska, and even overseas traveling!....and i would get paid for it!!! my friend ellie told me about the job, she basically knew what kind of job i would like, made it, asked her parents about hiring me, and i accepted that day. without any prayer, without much thought, i impulsively took the job, forgetting what God had told me to do, not really forgetting but not really caring. this is what i love, of course God would want me to take it.

so as far as becoming more materialistic...i figured since i am going to be working at the lodge i should get more outdoors stuff. so instead of trying to pay off my credit card that i so foolishly piled up while i was in australia, i bought stuff that i wanted making myself even more in debt. aaaggg!!! i don't understand why i do what i do!!!!

anyways....
so it all started after i talked to my friend malea the other day. i remember her saying how someone asked her how she decided to become a full time missionary and she said something about how in past decisions she would make them impulsively but this decision came with much prayer and being in the word. i realized after that talk with malea that i didn't pray or ask God about the decisions i had been making and i wanted so badly wanted for him to be apart of my every decision even if he took those plans away.
i started to pray about it....
next day....
it was about 11pm and i had to work at 5 am the next day. something told me to check and see if my friend bj was online to talk to and he was and i said hi and he asked me what i was doing with my life. i said that deserves a phone call and he said go ahead and call...i didn't want to because i was tired but i knew i should. i called him and we talked for an hour in a half. it started off just joking around and then out of no where he asked me what God had told me to do before i left australia....i was lost for words because i realized at that moment that i was doing the exact opposite of what God was telling me to do. he started to talk about how all he really wanted to do was to be in a band and travel the united states but God had told him to do and dts and then told him to come back as full time staff. he did and as he trusted God, God was faithful to provide for him. he didn't know this, but i began to cry as he was talking about how God was faithful to provide. THAT WAS IT. that is why i didn't want to go back to australia, that is why i was staying in alaska...i didn't think God would want to provide for me or even that he could. i didn't trust him.
(by the way....he is now getting to travel the united states with a band from reef to outback...how cool is God)
that night i remembered what God had called me to do and i knew that i needed to make a decision....

next day.... 5 am
i was sitting at the front desk at work and i said to God, "God i know that you spoke to me through malea and bj would you want to speak to me this morning as well" he said YES. something told me to check bible.com for the verse of the day. i use to check bible.com every day but i hadn't since i have back from australia. i checked it and it was eph 2 something talking about being a co worker with christ which was great but something told me to pick up the whole chapter and put it in the message version....crazy stuff.
this is what it said....
"it wasn't too long ago that you were mired in that old stagnant life of sin. you let the world, which doesn't know the first thing about living, tell you how to live. you filled your lungs with polluted UNBELIEF, and then exhaled DISOBEDIENCE." eph 2:1-3
that was the two things i got from the night before...
i walk in a lot of unbelief and i have been disobedient.
i gave in.
i told God okay i will go back to australia. i prayed about it and God has given me COMPLETE UNreal peace about going back to australia. everything seems more beautiful, more pleasant, my walk with Christ seems sweeter now that I am giving into HIS plans and not my own.
yeah.
that is it for now. so so much more to be told.
God is calling a girl, who is in debt, isn't good with finances, isn't always obedient, struggles with trusting ...to become a full time missionary!
okay! i'm in!